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Think of these mini podcasts like voice memos reaching out to you from a friend through the isolation. Except better, because they include tools for growing intimacy between yourself and those you care about. Note: podcasts come out Monday and each week there is an assignment for you to practice! Be sure to tune in, engage the practice and leave me a note about what you learned! Each assignment will build on the previous week‘s podcast. Dr. Jessica Tartaro (she/her) is a cis-gendered, able bodied, second generation Sicilian Jewish Intimacy Coach & Connection Facilitator who brings to her teaching nearly 20 years of experience in the healing arts. Through her one-of-a-kind workshops and coaching, Jessica powerfully weaves together the influences of Authentic Relating, positive psychology, psycho-education, trauma-sensitivity, mindful embodiment and conscious intimacy. Plus, she loves to play. Former Fulbright scholar, Jessica has founded communities across the country dedicated to healing the collective experience of belonging through group resilience, emotional intelligence and body wisdom. On the Olympic Peninsula of Washington where she lives and loves, Jessica is exploring the integration of racial justice with conscious relating and embodiment. To stay current on her evolving offerings and inquire about her private coaching and public speaking, go to www.DrJessicaTartaro.com.
Episodes
Monday Jun 28, 2021
Monday Jun 28, 2021
In this episode I explore the intersection of personal healing work and anti-racism, beginning with "decentering". I attempt to describe how decentering ourselves as white people can be a deeply healing practice to us and to the collective wound of racism.
00:50 Disclaimers for this episode: the intersection between personal healing work and anti-racism
1:38 A definition of decentering in interpersonal relationships
3:05 I teach my clients to decenter their wounded parts and center the most resourced parts of their psyche
3:33 What decentering whiteness means in anti-racist work.
4:58 The relationship between decentering psychologically and decentering whiteness
5:59 Here’s what's possible when we do the work
6:30 The willingness to step out of the spotlight will feel like an honor.
7:05 Validating defensiveness and following feelings to their origin point in our bodies and histories
7:16 Resmaa Menakem and My Grandmother’s Hands
7:58 My anti-racist activism has shown me the next level of work in my healing
8:42 We have the opportunity to help our fellow white activists to better understand our triggers around decentering
9:03 Sharing power is done by the psychologically centered and sound.
9:33 This week’s homework
Resources: The American Psychological Association (APA) definition of decentering. The NYT bestseller, My Grandmother’s Hands, by Resmaa Menakem. A short article by Menakem with an overview of the relationship between healing trauma and healing racism. White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo, a very helpful read to launch and deepen your anti-racist understanding.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Michael Schofield on Unsplash
Monday Jun 21, 2021
Monday Jun 21, 2021
Given the intense stress of this past year, it’s likely a part of you is stuck in time and still shocked at it all. Emotional digestion practices are essential for getting unstuck and liberating our energy to receive life in the present. The “wow” practice is one such practice.
01:30 I practiced the wow with a client this week.
1:50 Trauma as a form of jet lag.
2:28 This is what we need in order to get “unstuck” by trauma.
2:31 The importance of emotional digestion for our well-being.
3:11 A story about coming back from the dead.
5:17 We need to resuscitate our stuck parts – the shock is normal.
5:56 Here’s the practice.
6:33 Quote by Sharon Blackie about enchantment.
7:22 The “wow” can be used with the painful events, too.
8:32 When we are emotionally digested, we are empowered to help transform the world into what it can be.
8:42 This week’s homework
Resources: Dr. Sharon Blackie, award-winning writer whose works sits at the interface of psychology, mythology and ecology.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelly
Photo by Nathan Bingle on Unsplash
Monday Jun 14, 2021
Monday Jun 14, 2021
When we are scared, it’s easy to judge others based on our fears. But when we reveal our more vulnerable parts to one another, we shift from relating to our projections of others to relating to the complex, messy and marvelous humans actually in front of us.
00:51 Let’s get personal – what do you think about me?
1:26 The stories we tell ourselves about one another are called our projections.
2:58 Projections skew reality in one particular direction
3:37 We don’t see the mess of others’ lives on social media.
4:12 I tell a personal example of how my projections about a friend were wrong.
5:20 Ask yourself, what fictions are you writing about others?
5:33 In conflict, we are likely to see limited dimensions of others.
6:05 What is missing is the context of people’s lives.
6:50 I sing a Laurence Cole song about kindness.
7:57 Hiding makes us more at risk for separation – it doesn’t make us safer.
8:54 The antidote is to reveal yourself.
9:27 This week’s homework – two parts.
10:00 In the face of gunfire, to remove your armor demands courage.
Resources: Laurence Cole – Singing Together to Nourish the Soul and Re-Enchant the World.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley
Monday Jun 07, 2021
Monday Jun 07, 2021
After this past year, most of us are sitting atop a mountain of tension and unexpressed anger. In this week’s episode, I discuss why anger is essential to survival and what can make the difference between anger that hurts us and others and anger that transforms our worlds.
00:55 I’ve been angry lately.
1:36 How has your foundation been strained over the past year?
2:11 Quote from former US poet laureate Tracy K. Smith
3:04 The fuel for anger is virtually everywhere.
3:30 My latest favorite song – I’ve listened almost daily.
4:20 Toko-pah Turner quote
5:30 The balancing act with anger.
6:04 This is where anger can be perilous.
6:52 A personal example of grounding my anger
8:25 Anger is an essential tool when used well. And a rough club when wielded without choice.
8:45 Here’s what makes the difference.
8:55 This week’s homework
Resources: Tracy K. Smith and Michale Kelber-Diggs on On Being with Krista Tippett interview. “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman (2018). Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home (2017) by Toko-pah Turner.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley
Monday May 24, 2021
Monday May 24, 2021
Fear has divided so many of our communities. Are you willing to try to connect through the differences? It's not an easy task. In this episode, I offer initial steps for connecting through conflict.
01:16 Where I live, there is fear in the air.
2:14 Conflict has become normalized.
2:54 Growing up I learned conflict was explosive and scary
3:11 A lack of examples of conflict that can connect us
3:23 Body noticing – what happens when you encounter disagreement?
3:51 The importance of a grounded nervous system
4:24 Views versus value
5:16 Disagreement becomes a doorway and an opportunity
6:08 The willingness to try imperfectly and tenaciously
6:54 Keep the focus on the other person
7:43 The superpower that trumps all other superpowers
8:18 My qualifiers
9:26 This week’s homework
Resources: Consider watching this 3-part Instagram series on settling your nervous system to support you to communicate across difference. Video #1 on Rhythm. Video #2 on Grounding. Video #3 on Relationships. Additionally, here's a short YouTube video on depolarizing which includes more tools for turning conflict into connection.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley
Photo by jean wimmerlin on Unsplash
Monday May 17, 2021
Monday May 17, 2021
When love comes knocking, can you grow beyond who you have been to let it in? That’s the question I ask in this episode as well as offer a partner practice that can transform your relationship to receiving.
00:32 I start by giving you some love – can you receive it?
1:57 Think about when someone gives you a complement
2:29 The Big Leap and the Upper Limit Problem
3:16 The factors that set our limits for happiness
4:31 What once protected us can now sharply limit us
5:12 I share a personal story about getting through a very dark time in my life.
6:50 Receiving begins with the in breath.
7:15 Instructions for this week’s homework
8:32 Drinking in the offer of love down your spine to your feet
9:00 Having someone home to receive love is vital for growing into a happier version of yourself
Resources: The Big Leap (2010) by Dr. Gay Hendricks is a must read. The Hendricks Institute website also has volumes of free resources on living your genius and finding lasting happiness.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley
Photo by Hanneke Laaning on Unsplash
Monday May 10, 2021
Monday May 10, 2021
Resisting the urge to numb ourselves from the overwhelm of life takes determination. In this episode, I teach you a simple tool that you can practice any time for reclaiming the preciousness of your moments and turning stale air into pixie dust.
00:43 My definition of magic
01:02 I tell the story of my Fulbright year and that moment of magic on the train platform
2:45 “1…2…3. London.”
3:55 Why you might be missing moments of your life, too
4:56 The risk of this shortcut
5:25 What he actually did to shake my reality
5:44 All of us have access to moments that can move us to tears, if we are willing to notice.
6:32 You and I are sharing an important moment right now.
7:03 I call it “sequencing” or “framing”
7:48 “You are my husband”.
8:28 It takes calling ourselves back.
9:08 This week’s homework.
Photo by Gordon Williams on Unsplash
Podcast Produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley
Sunday May 02, 2021
Sunday May 02, 2021
Politeness teaches us to ignore what is right in front of us. Curiosity gives us permission to get out loud again, name what’s present and revive our nerve endings. In episode 21, I invite you to reclaim curiosity with me.
1:20 She asked me about what was right under my nose.
2:17 We learned to get less bold and started pretending.
3:02 If our culture’s value is to be anesthetized, then curiosity will always be a threat.
3:43 My physical body guides my curiosity.
4:20 Valerie Kaur and her book See No Stranger and her quote about wonder
6:17 Engaging curiosity involves turning the volume back up on your attention that has been muted.
6:48 Your body will start lighting back up when you follow your curiosity.
7:20 Story about coffee with a new friend who couldn’t reciprocate my curiosity
8:26 Following our curiosity means taking risks.
8:46 This week’s homework – play “Spotlight” with your partner.
10:08 Politeness taught us to ignore – curiosity returns permission to name what’s present.
Resources: See No Stranger: A Memoir & Manifesto of Revolutionary Love (2020) by Valerie Kaur. https://valariekaur.com/see-no-stranger/
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Lanty via Unsplash
Contact Information
Dr. Jessica Tartaro
Intimacy Coach & Connection Facilitator
Pronouns "She" + "Her"
Telephone: 1 (480) 993-5562
Email: DrTartaro@gmail.com
Website: https://www.drjessicatartaro.com/
“Contact me to schedule an initial, complimentary consultation – called an Exploratory – to explore the fit for coaching together.”
Looking for tools you can immediately apply to improve your relationships? Tune into weekly installments of "Under 10: A Mini Intimacy Podcast with Dr. Jessica Tartaro".
Sunday Apr 25, 2021
Sunday Apr 25, 2021
Boundaries not only protect us, they make it possible for us to let others in. However, if your emotional sensitivity is a survival mechanism, it can feel impossible to stop taking responsibility for others. In episode 20, I describe the challenge of boundaries for highly empathic people and include essential action steps for restoring a feeling of control in your relationships.
1:09 I got confused about boundaries at a young age
2:30 I call this “empathy activated in the jungle”
3:10 Empathy without boundaries exacts a high price from the empathizer
3:57 How Obi-Wan Kenobi guided the Jedi's to befriend the force
4:22 Our adult work is to install the control deck
4:45 We lose respect for ourselves when we let others overstep us
5:15 I fall in love with myself when this happens
6:10 Boundaries help us feel the magnet
6:38 You can be with them but not become them
6:45 Aaron Johnson of Holistic Resistance and his example of boundaries
7:22 “To not be invincible is how I ground myself”
8:19 This is a good way to start your boundaries practice
8:58 This week’s practice
9:28 Boundary mantras to repeat
Resources: Holistic Resistance and their anti-racist, community fostering programs have changed my life. I can't recommend them enough and encourage you to sign up for one of their offerings.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Alvin Lenin via Unsplash
Sunday Apr 18, 2021
Sunday Apr 18, 2021
When the tough stuff in relationships arise, most adults look the other way which can be deadly for the quality of our relating over time. But if you have options, you don’t have to default to avoidance. In episode 19, I offer a 5-step process for addressing conflict in healthy ways.
0:49 Here’s what I mean by conflict
2:07 Two main consequences of long-term conflict avoidance
3:12 Like trying to eat dinner over a field of land mines
3:24 Avoidance diminishes the quality of our relating
3:35 Why we avoid
4:51 Our relationship norms have dictated that anything but happy was bad
6:27 They have their heads stuck up a dark, stinky place (don’t do this).
7:33 5-step preventive process for addressing conflict in healthy ways
9:15 Put the feelings on the table without trying to fix, solve or blame
9:56 This week’s homework
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Alex Iby via Unsplash