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Think of these mini podcasts like voice memos reaching out to you from a friend through the isolation. Except better, because they include tools for growing intimacy between yourself and those you care about. Note: podcasts come out Monday and each week there is an assignment for you to practice! Be sure to tune in, engage the practice and leave me a note about what you learned! Each assignment will build on the previous week‘s podcast. Dr. Jessica Tartaro (she/her) is a cis-gendered, able bodied, second generation Sicilian Jewish Intimacy Coach & Connection Facilitator who brings to her teaching nearly 20 years of experience in the healing arts. Through her one-of-a-kind workshops and coaching, Jessica powerfully weaves together the influences of Authentic Relating, positive psychology, psycho-education, trauma-sensitivity, mindful embodiment and conscious intimacy. Plus, she loves to play. Former Fulbright scholar, Jessica has founded communities across the country dedicated to healing the collective experience of belonging through group resilience, emotional intelligence and body wisdom. On the Olympic Peninsula of Washington where she lives and loves, Jessica is exploring the integration of racial justice with conscious relating and embodiment. To stay current on her evolving offerings and inquire about her private coaching and public speaking, go to www.DrJessicaTartaro.com.
Episodes
Monday Apr 12, 2021
Monday Apr 12, 2021
The bottom line about grief is that it’s better to feel it than resist it. Yet, most adults resist grief. With episode 18, I demystify the communal grieving process as well as make a connection between pleasure and grief that I bet you didn’t realize.
1:05 The beginning of my grief journey
1:43 My initial grieving experiences were private
2:31 I was scared of being seen in my grief.
4:08 What happened next changed my life.
4:40 One by one, people would burst open.
5:00 No one went to the altar alone.
5:36 I willed my feet to move and found myself in a row of grievers.
6:34 The force of the room’s commitment to grieving took me into its current.
7:38 In the company of others, I can let go of what I couldn’t release alone.
7:48 What does grief have to do with pleasure
8:42 Moving grief means you have more room for pleasure.
9:22 Grief is its own form of orgasm.
9:38 This week’s homework – two parts.
10:16 The more of us who grieve, the more pleasure and wisdom can flow in the world.
Resources: Some of my favorite songs to grieve to: The Promise (1995) by Tracy Chapman. Bone Dance (2015) by Deya Dova. Trusty and True (2014) by Damien Rice. Go In Peace (2017) by Sam Baker.
For community grieving online: “Holding Our Hearts: A Spring Grief Tending Circle (6 weeks)” - https://tinyurl.com/23ew25r9 - and "Community Grief Tending Circles (twice a month on Zoom Next one April 17th)" - https://tinyurl.com/rw5374rd
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon via Unsplash
Monday Apr 05, 2021
Monday Apr 05, 2021
In Episode 17 I talk about how using a timer can not only help you be more productive in life, it can also intensify and direct the heat, desire and yearning in your physical intimacy. I dare you to try it this week.
0:49 “I’ll time you!” worked every time with our youngest brother.
1:35 When we create the artifact of limited time, something inside may enliven that would otherwise be dull.
2:25 It can be easy to fog out in our days without social interaction.
3:50 Dr. Brene Brown’s definition of vulnerability
4:49 While the timer is ticking, open your heart and let your words follow.
5:45 Why setting a timer for makeouts or sex works
6:15 Left wanting more in physical intimacy is a good thing!
7:02 I describe most delicious, 3-minute kiss with my husband
7:41 “You must respect the ding!”
8:32 This week’s homework.
Resources: Daring Greatly (2012) by Dr. Brene Brown
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Mpho Mojapelo via Unsplash
Sunday Mar 28, 2021
Sunday Mar 28, 2021
There’s so much in life right now that can’t be fixed or changed. The harder option is to listen, ground and feel. In this episode, I walk you through how to say nothing as a listener and in so doing, effectively lighten the emotional loads of those around you. Episode 16 is here.
1:20 “I hear you, I’m with you and I’m not trying to fix or change you”.
1:46 Being present with the unfixable is an advanced skill most people can’t do.
2:12 I talk you through – in slow motion – what happens when you are listening to someone’s discomfort.
3:08 The urge to fix or change is like an emotional itch.
3:48 We are wired to need one another’s validation to help us know we matter.
4:26 Here are 4 options for how to “say nothing”.
6:15 You can also just ask directly what they need.
6:50 “It’s Not About The Nail”
8:28 When it comes to being present to injustice, we must do our grief work.
9:04 By listening and saying nothing, you lighten the weight of the other person’s burdens.
9:33 This week’s homework.
Resources: “It’s Not About the Nail” YouTube video (2013)
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Jacob Curtis via Unsplash
Sunday Mar 21, 2021
Sunday Mar 21, 2021
While infants can’t do it, as adults we can ask for what we need when we most need it. In this week’s episode, I share candidly about my rough week and how I found my words to climb out of my despair. Episode 15 is here.
1:00 I introduce you to my sister’s first daughter, Taylor.
2:20 The adults who couldn’t soothe her and this poor baby who couldn’t be soothed
3:05 It may seem impossible but it’s only just really, really hard (to ask for what we need).
3:28 I admit the truth about my tough week.
4:20 My conclusions were creating my reality – but I couldn’t see that at the time.
4:38 Here’s what I did to get out of this dark headspace.
6:37 “Are you open to my being honest about how I’m feeling?”
7:13 Now I have concluded that the world is filled with people who can support me.
7:35 My privileges are inextricable from my relational resilience.
8:33 I level with you about what it takes to find your words in times of high stress.
9:03 Muscle memory when it comes to positive coping is your saving grace.
9:06 This week’s homework.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by 🇸🇮 Janko Ferlič on Unsplash
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Sunday Mar 14, 2021
Sunday Mar 14, 2021
It’s an advanced skill to avoid blaming those we trust the most when we are hurting. And it’s vital for ensuring we preserve our sources of support when we most need them. Episode 14 is here.
1:00 A definition of blaming in relationship
2:00 The conundrum of hurting the people we trust the most
2:31 The closer we get to them, the more slippery the blaming slope becomes
4:12 Vizzini the Sicilian from the Princess Pride and his famous lines
5:10 The blaming worsens the burden and alienates our support
5:48 An example of a couple I coach and “catching” the blaming
7:05 Identifying the feeling underneath the blaming and asking for support
8:00 This week’s homework – two parts.
9:23 The most amazing relationship advice you will ever receive.
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Mark Daynes on Unsplash
Contact Information
Dr. Jessica Tartaro
Intimacy Coach & Connection Facilitator
Pronouns "She" + "Her"
Telephone: 1 (480) 993-5562
Email: DrTartaro@gmail.com
Website: https://www.drjessicatartaro.com/
“Contact me to schedule an initial, complimentary consultation – called an Exploratory – to explore the fit for coaching together.”
Looking for tools you can immediately apply to improve your relationships? Tune into weekly installments of "Under 10: A Mini Intimacy Podcast with Dr. Jessica Tartaro".
Sunday Mar 07, 2021
Sunday Mar 07, 2021
It may be timeless, but the traditional advice, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” may not fit the modern relationship.
0:57 I am willing to contradict the Bible to find what works for the modern relationship
2:20 Late at night, the gargoyles come out.
2:48 When the sun rises, I have more access to my forgiveness.
3:05 Sleep is a winning factor when it comes to love.
4:42 When did you stop dancing? Singing? Being enchanted by stories? Finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?
5:20 During sleep, we are doing important emotional metabolizing.
6:05 My husband’s insight (he can’t sleep when he’s angry)
6:51 The compromise (use this script)
7:43 The quality of our relationships with others will flow from the quality of our relationship with ourselves.
7:55 This week’s practice
Resources: Read about cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien and her inspiring publications here: http://www.angelesarrien.com/
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash
Read the rest of this entry »
Sunday Feb 28, 2021
Sunday Feb 28, 2021
In episode 12... We think we need to wait for something good to happen before we savor life. But it’s possible to savor the little things and in so doing, grow more of the good things we want.
0:44 I share a fun secret with you about my podcast and sex
1:35 Dad loved food – “savoring and sweating”
2:15 When you choose to lean into enjoying a moment, it can reward you with more things to enjoy.
2:57 Why this is hard
3:58 Find the one thing you can be grateful for and savor the sh***t out of it.
4:00 We need to sit at the table of pain and sweat and savor to grow the resilience to face what needs to be faced.
4:25 Training our brains to associate a sensory experience with pleasure
5:25 I improved the quality of the massage by telling the therapist what I liked.
6:40 If all that is happening in relationship is a pointing out of what isn’t working, then there isn’t fuel to create the better version of the partnership.
7:30 Enjoyment is vulnerable.
8:30 Mmmm’ing and hearing yourself affirm your right to pleasure
9:05 This week’s homework – two practices
Resources: Dr.Rick Hanson and “growing the good”
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Mc James Gulles on Unsplash
Monday Feb 22, 2021
Monday Feb 22, 2021
The ability to connect your words to your sexual body matters. In episode 11, I share a first step to talking about sex in healthy, connected ways. Warning: this episode contains content that may be challenging for very sensitive listeners.
1:50 Sex brings us into feelings
2:05 The ability to stay present in high sensation
2:20 Notice what happens for you as you listen
3:05 Talking about sex in the VA
4:05 Direct correlation between talking about sex and having fulfilling sex
4:50 Clarifying terms
5:55 Making sexual connection a practice
8:08 Our genitals deserve to be named
9:03 This week’s practice – what do you call your parts?
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Octavio Fossatti on Unsplash
Monday Feb 15, 2021
Monday Feb 15, 2021
We’ve mostly been taught in love to make it feel good. But learning to expand into the ache of wanting but not having is a vital element for mature and empowering intimacy. In episode 10, I invite you to practice “grounded yearning” with me.
1:15 Distress or discomfort has value to us
1:50 Big feelings need big space
2:01 Think, an ocean trying to get through a garden hose
2:27 A definition of yearning
3:16 I want my emotions to energize, inspire and expand me - not drown me
3:30 You have to practice distress tolerance/self-soothing to receive the benefit of yearning (see resources below)
4:20 Let’s try a yearning experiment...
6:24 To savor what you once wanted to avoid
8:10 It’s not a “break apart” – it’s a “break open” - into a bigger version of yourself
8:21 Choosing feeling stretches my emotional holding tank
9:00 Welcoming the ache of sad classical music
9:53 This week’s practice – saying yes to the yearning
Resources on distress tolerance and self soothing: Podcast "DBT + Me" On Spotify and Apple. A Healing Space: Befriending Ourselves in Difficult Times by Matt Licata
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Giorgio Trovato via Unspash
Sunday Feb 07, 2021
Sunday Feb 07, 2021
In episode 9, I introduce you to my 19-year-old college self and describe my choice to start therapy. The year was 1995. I haven’t stopped since. Here’s why.
1:00 My intent is not to persuade you but to educate you.
2:00 The beginning of my therapy journey
2:55 He told me that I coped by intellectualizing.
3:50 I began to drop into my body and unlock grief, rage, horror and sadness.
4:15 Like waking up from a fog.
4:34 With my therapist, I practice "doing life better".
5:07 The therapy relationship is a template – a taste of healthy relating - that we can repeat.
5:28 Without support to come out of your intellect and into the body, you may not change your patterns.
5:50 A possible starting point – doing research and listening to your gut.
7:02 “I told him I quit. I don’t trust you”. He had the right answer for me.
7:35 Why hire a coach or a therapist? Here’s why.
8:50 Consider setting an intention to acknowledge your healing and well-being.
9:10 Questions you can ask a potential therapist or coach.
Bonus: If you DO decide to seek out a therapist or coach, here are some questions I recommend you ask to empower you to find the right person. See if any of these might feel relevant or useful to you! (1) Are you trained to deal with trauma? If so, how? (2) Do you work with the body in therapy or coaching? If so, how? (3) What’s your own history of being in therapy? (4) I have trouble opening up to people I don’t know. How will you help me with that? (5) Do you offer a sliding scale, Covid discounts or social justice rates to help me afford your services?
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Aimee Mia Kelley
Photo by Danielle Maclnnes via Unspash